November 1, 2020

I find sweet peace in depths of autumn woods,
Where grow the ragged ferns and roughened moss;
The naked, silent trees have taught me this,—
The loss of beauty is not always loss!

-—Elizabeth Stoddard

Time has begun to take form again for me, largely because now I have deadlines and a schedule and feel purposeful again.

January was such a solid month: it passed by in thirty-one equal days, marked by . At the time, I had no clue it would be my final trip to Sendai before I left Japan, a memory which is tinted with blue everytime I reflect on it. Still, the month was good

February was just as measured, until it wasn’t: days that settled into one another until things got very real and graduation -a once public event- was changed into a family-only, everyone masked affair.

March to July are a strange blur of desk days and worry: days filled with nothing but reading and hoping that maybe, my work would resume and the ongoing nightmare of COVID-19 would somehow just…resolve itself. They are days tainted with a lack of control over my emotions in office, with days of crying at my desk wondering how I’d get home without bringing a virus to my loved ones. It was filled with the stress of moving: moreso, the stress of moving internationally. It was filled with final meals that I couldn’t have, final trips that I couldn’t make, health that wouldn’t recover, and a mind that was constantly close to breaking.

By no means do I regret my time abroad, but I’d be lying if I said that this year wasn’t one of the hardest of my adult life.

But today I woke up with an accute sense of time clicking back into place, and as I write my schedule in an old notebook, I feel time wrapping about my like a warm, welcoming blanket. I felt the rightness of my life changing, which is something I’ve felt very differently about up until the past week.

It’s funny how what can appear to be a minor change can feel like such a major one. Then again, these are major life changes: I’ve got contracts and NDAs. I’ve got work and a foundation to grow that work. While I’ll most likely still seek remote work that includes benefits -because I need insurance- I feel…capable.

I feel purposeful.

This month will be a month of radical change: I hope to finally relocate to my final destination -for the immediate time being- as well as establish my office and finally, be in a place to start really digging into to finding work that includes benefits. Most likely, I’m going to start with what I know and can output best: transcription, which is something I can do without going into an office.

I’m not sure how to wind down my mid-morning thoughts. All I can think to say is that I’m really looking forward to seeing where I am by the end of this month. I think I’ve certainly got…a full calendar, but: I’ll figure out how to balance things. Better, I’ll do it with aplomb…or something like that.

For now, I’m going to allow myself to enjo the weekend. I’ve got a full plate starting Monday, but…everyone needs to do a whole bunch of nothing, especially if we’re going to keep making it through.

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